I'm a victim!

Current mood: peaceful
Category: Blogging

Cameron gave me pause for thought the other day when he said to me "If you worry too much about being out of control, you will be" At first I believed it to be a rather masterful way of saying "don't worry" and that was that. Upon further reflection however, extrapolating as it where, I'm beginning to fully realise the wisdom of those words, at least in relation to me and my perceived "out of controlledness"
For my entire adult life, and a large portion of my adolescence I was annoyed by "victims", you know, those people who incessantly say things like "it's not my fault" or "it's all because of this thing someone else did". I never really had a huge amount of time for them as I believe that your life is what you make it, and while shit things happen to good people, you can choose to move past it, or linger there, forever.
There are two women in my life who epitomise my feelings on this subject. Camillie, and my aunt. Now Camille has every reason on god's green earth to be a "victim" but she's not. Shit happens, and she's gone on to have a relitively good life considering, with an awesome attitude to life. My Aunt, with no descernable reason I can fathom, she had a good childhood and upbringing (i mean, my dad's pretty awesome) and for some strange reason, everything is everybody elses fault. I've just never understood that way of thinking, and personally, don't really have time for people who live like that.
I have relinquished control over a certain aspect of my life, and as a result have been feeling "out of control" when it comes to alcohol. I cannot pinpoint when this shift in thinking happened, but I'm sure there will be a few knowing smiles when I say it was sometime between the ages of 20 and 26....... I have taken my eyes off the road, and hands off the wheel, and as a consequence am out of control. But instead of thinking "hmmm, I will place my hands back on this wheel and gain control of this" I have, for reasons attributed to other insecurities I have gained in the last few years, though "oh no, I'm out of control, I'm out of control!"
All of my insecurities and problems have been created by negative reinforcement from third parties. And even though I am now aware of the effect reinforcement of any kind can have on a persons life, it never occured to me that the reinforcement (positive OR negative) can come from within.
Another piece of wisdom has fallen out of Cameron's mouth; "If you are constantly told your antlers are ugly. Even though you know you don't even have antlers. You will feel insecure about your ugly antlers and try to hide them" I'm sure I have thought and been told this exact thing before. However, I was truely unaware of my SELF'S impact on the look of my antlers.
I've stopped shouting "I'm out of control!"
Now I just need to get my eyes on the road and my hands upon the wheel.
It's time to drive this baby again.
If only my antlers could get in the car!

Currently listening: Greatest Hits By Queen Release date: 2004-08-17

Sight Seeing in London

Category: Blogging

So I'm old.
I planned myself a little (read long) trip around London today. What I forgot to think about was the damn tube closures, so instead of taking 30 mins to get to the station i wanted, i needed to change trains 3 times, and it ended up taking 90 min!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But that was OK
I woke up with my alarm at 8!!!!!!!!!!!!!! very early for me at the moment, was talking with Cameron tonight, and, you know, i think 8 is the earliest I have woken up in the last 2 years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I used to think i was pretty good when i woke up at 8 even though i didn't have to be at work till 10..... ha
had a nice walk, Oxford St, Regent St, Bond St, Berkely Square, Park Lane, Mayfair, Westiminster Abbey, Buckinham Palace and Big Ben. Also had a close up look at the London Eye. I was really excited about today, i mean all of that stuff was exciting too, but, was really looking forward to the Dali Gallery......... was GBP15!!!!!!!!!!!!! and kindof shit really. I mean, i know i sound like a snob and a name dropper, but the Dali Museum in Figueres, Spain, was infinitley better. I would even go so far as to say, even if you haven't been to the exhibition in Spain, don't bother with the one in London. It was like walking into a run down building when i got to the exhibition on the waterfront, most of the stuff they had were replicated (or replicas) of stuff in the museum in spain, and the Audio Guide was basically just some random guy telling you what was written on the explanitory plaques near the artworks. SHIT.!.
Apart from feeling ripped of at the Dali gallery, I had a good day.
It was sunshiny and wonderful in the morning, and then windy and raining in the early afternoon (at least i had the dali universe to escape to), and then later in the afternoon the sun came out again.
But, and I feel very shit saying this, my feet hurt like f*$k and i think i pulled a muscle in my hip! O-L-D
off again tomorrow, to see St Pauls cathedral and the tower of london. maybe some other stuff, but my breath is not held. just those two things would be good enough

Currently listening: Hypocrisy Is the Greatest Luxury By Disposable Heroes Of Hiphoprisy Release date: 1992-03-03

Stuffity Stuff

Current mood: surprised
Category: Blogging

I really didn't realise until today how much I need to work. Whether that be behind a counter and desk selling books or making treats and raising children. Not having a direction within myself during the day is causing my brain to stagnate.
I have now managed to cross a few Monopoly streets off the Board :) Fenchurch Street Station, Strand, Oxford Street, Euston Road..... I think that's your lot, so far....
It's amazing to me the woman I am now, compared to who I was before I met Cameron. I don't know whether he actually has anything to do with this shift in myself or not, but I am definitely different. I know I have nothing to prove to him. He saw me at my worst. Fuck, I mean, I threw up on the guy and he still calls me beautiful. I just shocked at the difference between the Bronwyn in the UK in 2009 compared to the Bronwyn in the UK in 2008. I used to be desperate. Desperate to get hammered, desperate to pickd up, desperate....to be different to who I was. Now I like her.

Random act of kindness

Current mood: pleased
Category: Blogging

Tonight I am feeling rather fond of myself:)
Went for a walk to the store again today, and I took an old plastic bag to reuse :) It was funny though, almost made me laugh out loud, cause I had a Kroger's bag and I was at Walgreen's. I told the cashier that I didn't want a bag as I had my own, he had a puzzled look on my face when I produced my old plastic bag from my pocket, AND he tried to double bag it for me......... hmmm, me thinks he didn't quite understand why I had my won bag with me, but after and initial rocky start, we worked out the kinks in our relationship and he handed me my change. But, and here is the funny part, there was a lady behind me in line and when she saw him placing my goods into the Kroger's bag she asked "Are Y'all usin' Kroger's bags now?" in all seriousness....... I did explain to the poor love that it was indeed a bag I had produced, and then after a little back and forth it was established that yes, I was trying to reduce my waste by at least not accepting a bag for my three items..... I think I may have contributed a *small* amount to bringing the three R's to Alexandria :) REduce, REuse and REcycle...... yaya
On my way home from the store, with my procured goods in my aforementioned reused plastic Kroger's bag, I was passed by a man on a bike. Who was transporting a Television on the handlebars of said bike, and holding what looked to be a rather large paper bag with stuff in it. A little ways down the road, the man stopped his forward motion and placed the paper bag on the side of the road, attempting to get a better handle on the bag. I could see this was not going to work, as by now, the bag had torn..... Quickly rushing to his aid I asked whether I could help him in any way, he thanked me, but said he was riding 'a fair ways yet'. I, ever the quick thinker, then offered him the use of my previously described reused Kroger's bag for the items in the broken paper bag. The smile I got was awesome :) so I helped him transfer the contents from the now obsolete paper bag into the reused plastic bag. Just so happened to be two rather large bags of peanuts! cool. I then proceded to walk the rest of the way home with a bottle of mountain dew and pringles in my hands.
All in all, a good day

Fingers crossed!

Current mood: focused
Category: Life

Well, I'm sitting here thinking, and it's good. Tomorrow a friend of a friend is taking me into a workplace called Star Tek to apply for a job. All of my friends are about 99% positive that I will get a job, Resume unseen, but I will take one with me anyway. If they like me enough to sponsor my work visa I will be here, in Alexandria till Sept at least! It's kindof exciting!
I realised the other day that Alexandria is I suppose the Louisianan equivilant to Ipswich, talking about cost of living and demographic etc. And whilst living in Ipswich had never occured to me back home, I'm quite happy and excited with the prospect of living in a small city like this. I have only walked around quite close to where I'm staying a few times, but even the 'rough' area, wasn't really that rough. I mean, the houses were smaller, more run down, and it was a dirtier part of town no doubt, but everyone was REALLY nice. I mean, everyone I passed said a big cheery "How Y'all doin?" which is a little more than I get back home sometimes.
So we will see
If there is no luck :( I suppose Cameron and I will come back to Brissie. Not entirely sure yet what the exact plan of attack is yet, as we're waiting to find out whether I have a job with Star Tek. I'm also going to post my Resume and current situation up on a few job sites, so we will see if there is any luck in the next 3 weeks.
Hmm
Very Interestingk
Everything is going to be wonderful!

Currently listening: The Singles 1992-2003 By No Doubt Release date: 2003-11-25

ode to A

Current mood: sleepy
Category: Writing and Poetry

It's crumbling
but vibrant
Beware
they told me
but everyone
so nice
she strikes a funny picture
young while girl
obviously not from here
walking the streets
after nothing from no one
how does one not draw attention
in a place
where she is so out of place
but embraced
however strange she appears to be

Currently listening: Journey Through Time By Moody Blues Release date: 1996-11-21

19/01/09

Current mood: hungry
Category: Writing and Poetry

........

I'm finally on my way back to you

where you wait

and wait tables

you trusted me

and loved me

did I completely kill you

do I deserve that trust

so implicit

are you as lucky as you think you are

I am the lucky one

he repulses me

I imagine

our lips embrace

as our arms

black

nothing

gin

tonic

and my smile

I smile as I think of you

I count down the minutes

no music

where are my headphones????

no sense of self control

do I want it?

Do you want me to have more

shall we survive together

taking the world on

whatever shit is thrown our way

constantly high

too high to care about anything

but each other

kyle maclaughlin is not cute anymore

he is sad

and old

and the old lecturer who preys on his pretty students

does fucking your lecturer really give you anymore brains

I wonder

does she think that he loves her

does she think that her friend is jealous

how can people be so blind

sometimes not seeing is a choice

it is better

easier

not to see than to face facts

keep the world as it was

and no harm shall come to me

I will not have to agree that I have behaved badly

white

happy

naked

truthful

his gaze follows her

she is beautiful

she doesn't think she is

she is sex

that is all she believes

she cannot be beautiful

they all left her

ignored her

didn't want her

didn't pursue her

didn't make her stay

he has had women before

many women

so maybe

she is not just sex

maybe

to him

she IS beautiful

but if that is true

then she has believed a lie

for so long

his touch has infected her

and ironically

cured her

somehow

somewhat

a little

a lot

she asks for more than she feels she deserves

he wants to give it to her

it feels like the first time

but

so unlike the first time

17/01/09

Current mood: creative
Category: Writing and Poetry

........

I sit

they pass

each so different

yet

half a world away

the same

pink hair

tattoos

purple shoes

denim

everywhere

my history sits

written

waiting for someone to want it

16/01/09

Current mood: artistic
Category: Writing and Poetry

........

I belong to no one

homeless

wandering

wondering

no name

no face

how can a brain travel so fast

when going nowhere

circles

it travels

round & round the mulberry bush

spinning until dizziness consumes me

I fall

down

down

I trust you to catch me

I don't even trust myself

what do I do now?

Should I effort

should I easy

you tell me to do what I want

you tell me you will come to me

what do I want

Is THIS too hard

why all this doubt

I was so sure

relax

breathe

Sat

Nam

In

Out

Breath is all I have

She watches him REM. What, she wonders, is going through his mind? His fingers move, tapping on her stomach. He plays, makes music in his sleep. All her words and questions have been received and heard and answered. Truth. Can I truly ask this of you? Am I just running from life's difficulty again.? Research, Visas, Lawyers perhaps. He strokes her head. “Everything is going to be great. WE are going to be great. And that's all that matters” A lifetime of worry, consideration of what is perceived by the greater world to be appropriate. Twenty-Seven years of doing what she THINKS others want her to do. Can I ask for outside assistance? The reliance on others has never extended to help in the material world. Is it too much to ask, and do they understand. Do I need their help, or, as usual, am I worrying too far ahead? One small step at a time. LA, the land of opportunity. HA, the land of opportunity is within me and what I allow to happen. Stuff happens, but we make it opportunity. Ride it. Take what is given. DESERVE IT. make it.

12/01/09
Current mood: adored

........

how many is too many

how much is too much

how often is too often

my head hurts

aching with all the swimming thoughts

and because I fell

I was saved

he picked her up

and carried her to chicken

how I met your mother

I don't remember

he herded her away

quickly

to bed

what am I running from now

leaving you

I am afraid