I'm a victim!
Current mood: peaceful
Cameron gave me pause for thought the other day when he said to me "If you worry too much about being out of control, you will be" At first I believed it to be a rather masterful way of saying "don't worry" and that was that. Upon further reflection however, extrapolating as it where, I'm beginning to fully realise the wisdom of those words, at least in relation to me and my perceived "out of controlledness"
For my entire adult life, and a large portion of my adolescence I was annoyed by "victims", you know, those people who incessantly say things like "it's not my fault" or "it's all because of this thing someone else did". I never really had a huge amount of time for them as I believe that your life is what you make it, and while shit things happen to good people, you can choose to move past it, or linger there, forever.
There are two women in my life who epitomise my feelings on this subject. Camillie, and my aunt. Now Camille has every reason on god's green earth to be a "victim" but she's not. Shit happens, and she's gone on to have a relitively good life considering, with an awesome attitude to life. My Aunt, with no descernable reason I can fathom, she had a good childhood and upbringing (i mean, my dad's pretty awesome) and for some strange reason, everything is everybody elses fault. I've just never understood that way of thinking, and personally, don't really have time for people who live like that.
I have relinquished control over a certain aspect of my life, and as a result have been feeling "out of control" when it comes to alcohol. I cannot pinpoint when this shift in thinking happened, but I'm sure there will be a few knowing smiles when I say it was sometime between the ages of 20 and 26....... I have taken my eyes off the road, and hands off the wheel, and as a consequence am out of control. But instead of thinking "hmmm, I will place my hands back on this wheel and gain control of this" I have, for reasons attributed to other insecurities I have gained in the last few years, though "oh no, I'm out of control, I'm out of control!"
All of my insecurities and problems have been created by negative reinforcement from third parties. And even though I am now aware of the effect reinforcement of any kind can have on a persons life, it never occured to me that the reinforcement (positive OR negative) can come from within.
Another piece of wisdom has fallen out of Cameron's mouth; "If you are constantly told your antlers are ugly. Even though you know you don't even have antlers. You will feel insecure about your ugly antlers and try to hide them" I'm sure I have thought and been told this exact thing before. However, I was truely unaware of my SELF'S impact on the look of my antlers.
I've stopped shouting "I'm out of control!"
Now I just need to get my eyes on the road and my hands upon the wheel.
It's time to drive this baby again.
If only my antlers could get in the car!
Release date: 2004-08-17